Everyone is quick to talk about that toxic couple or that toxic friend but no one really ever pays attention to the family members around you. Family members can be just as mentally draining as any other kind of relationship. It doesn’t make them bad people it just means the dynamic of your relationship needs to change, after all they are blood related not that easy to also just break up and go separate ways. In this blog I would like to outline some of the toxic behaviours from family members, some can be unrecognisable because you’ve grown up with these traits and believe this is how things are. Most of the knowledge that I’m about to type up has been inspired from my mother and fathers childhood.
My mother was the eldest of all her siblings, given that times were hard at a young age she had to look after all the little ones…her mother (my nanny) pretty much handed her all the responsibilities of looking after the children which meant she had no time to learn properly. She was cleaning, cooking and teaching the younger ones everyday. Believe it or not this still happens today where the eldest child is meant to look after everything and not move forward in life. If you’re under the age of 16 that would be considered as some sort of abuse/neglect in this country. This lead to her feeling unloved which no child should be made to feel.
When mum had finally taken the decision to build a life in London where she could support the family she became close to her aunt (which is also another nanny to me). Guaranteed that aunt was their to support her when my mother had me however there was also the side where she would gossip behind mums back. As i grew up I witnessed the emotional dependency of a 50 year old on a 30 year old. This aunt would talk about stuff she shouldn’t really be talking to a niece about it was never a how are you? it was always a what can you do for me type of thing. This nanny didn’t see her as a niece but more of an equal which is toxic, mum was maturing before her age and bare in mind she never really got to enjoy her youth.
Next brings me to the sons of the family. My father was the eldest too, he was constantly nagged on the phone by his mum and siblings to send money abroad for them to be able to run the household back home. I understand that its the children’s prerogative to take care of the family however i don’t agree when amongst 5 siblings only one man was pinpointed to provide when the rest weren’t helping themselves. My fathers sisters were married and in good marital homes but still chose to take advantage of the handouts. Dads brothers ran a local shop but ended up drinking the contents of that store (They were alcoholics). My dad was put under so much pressure which reflected in my home life, he also turned to those bottle of whiskies and cans of beers. It would cause arguments with my mother and domestic violence. She would constantly tell him to not let them walk all over you but he was too blinded to see the truth. You could say this was where I experienced toxicity early in my childhood. Lets flip the situation, sometimes its not always the parents that are the problem it can be the spouse also feeding you with information, constantly whining about the mother in law… this usually happens after marriage where things change but be weary and use your own judgement and don’t let it brainwash you.
Are you able to identify the traits of a toxic family member ? You sometimes won’t get that thank you or appreciation as sometimes family do take each other for granted but its wrong when all the responsibilities are being dumped onto a one person. Its almost as if toxicity is passed down from generation to generation as it becomes the way of living and affects other areas of life. Criticism should be from love not from a negative view it should encourage the person to do better and not controlled into doing something they don’t want accomplish. Luckily i had a mother who tried her best to keep me away from all of that and give me the freedom to follow my own path. we have the odd quarrel now and then but shes just being protective. I would love to know some of your storied please feel free to drop them below it may help comfort someone going through a difficult time.
